Saturday, October 23, 2010
But, with the onset of this rain, with the onset of Fall, also comes the onset of this melancholy feeling. I find it odd that I know Fall to be my favorite season, yet it brings on such sadness for me. The heater now turned on with the opportunity for fires in the fireplaces, the darkness late into the morning and quietly descending as I leave the office, the rain as it falls outside presenting the opportunity to both be productive or enticingly unproductive leaves me feeling discontent.
I welcome Fall. I dislike the endless, hot days of summer. However, as much as I know Fall to be my favorite season, my spirits start to sink. I become introverted and reflective. Just as the clouds come and blanket the sky, enveloping the landscape in gray, my mood often seems to follow suit. And it stays this way, getting darker and darker towards the holidays.
This darkness surrounding me, enclosing me, leading up to the holidays is not uncommon. My logical mind knows it's true. I can tell you that I suspect I know why my mood darkens as do the days. When I was eleven, my grandfather passed away. It was right after the New Year and after he had just spent the holidays with us. I had a great relationship with him and his loss, my loss was the first significant one in my life. Then more recently, in 2002, I lost my mother on January 9th. To say that it was devastating is insufficient. The pain continues to be so great that I simply have willed myself to bury it deep. I am convinced that the hole will never go away and I fear revisiting the emotions which ripped me apart in the early days and months following her death.
What I know having experienced this regular down-turn of spirit at this time of year is that it will pass. Soon it will be ski season and the best time of the year for our family. The time we spend together skiing thoroughly bonds us for the remainder of the year when the disparate schedules of swim team, boy scouts, school sports and sleepovers seem to pull us apart. I've learned to appreciate the fires in the fireplace, the pretty leaves (yes, they even change colors in Northern California) and the comfort of rainy days knowing that it's okay to cuddle up on the couch and do nothing.
*Photo from Flickr, under the Creative Commons License, Red Sycamore by John-Morgan.
Posted by Cathy Reaves at Saturday, October 23, 2010