Saturday, September 4, 2010


This morning I woke up feeling restless. The possibilities are endless, but I cannot decide. I have no desire to decide. I am disengaged. There are plenty of chores to tackle. The lists are long yet I just can't muster up the strength to make anything happen. There are plenty of fun things I could wrangle up but again, I can't muster up the strength.

I find it odd that I get into these moments. Moments where I feel like I'm standing still while the world keeps spinning, revolving around me and I'm not partaking. Minutes tick by on the clock and I am devoid of emotion as I remain motionless and indecisive. Most of the time I'm running half-crazed, my life planned to the Nth degree, always pressured for time trying to beat the clock. I am driven to cross those things off the list so I can finally relax knowing all my chores are done. But not today.

Why do I always feel like I need to be doing something? I feel uncomfortable without a plan, without action or accomplishments.

These moments I spend living in a bubble watching the world go by make me feel guilty. Guilty because it highlights my inability to live in the moment, to be present for my life. Guilty for all the should's and could's that pass me by, falling away with each circle of the second hand.

Perhaps it's the long weekend with no plans when everyone else has something going on. Perhaps it's that I've made it through another long work week with no babysitter, and back-to-school nights, and anti-climactic project launches. Perhaps it's that my husband has been gone more than two of the last four weeks and I miss him. I miss us. I miss my best friend.

The good thing about being in this place is that I know it won't last long. I just need to figure out how to enjoy it.
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