Monday, September 20, 2010

I cannot wear a veil

One thing I've been trying to wrangle with is my blogger identity and how much of myself to reveal. Actually, it's kind of funny to be thinking about this now considering how much I've posted already.

On the one hand I find it amusing because most people that read this blog know me and so there is no mystery. But on the flip side, there is the risk of exposing too much. I haven't done much research on "hide your identity" aspect of blogging, but I read plenty of blogs and have seen every end of the spectrum.

The simple truth is that I've been unable to make a decision but I didn't want that indecisiveness to hold me up. It took a lot of courage to start this blog and it takes even more to spread it around. I don't pretend to be a writer, but I like the aspects of writing out all my thoughts. It's good for my soul. Some day I'll actually get to the part where I'll preach or teach about something, sure to offend someone because that's what I do best.

As my title leads, I cannot wear a veil. I cannot mask who I am. I am direct and I wear my emotions for all to see. Unabashedly. Maybe sometimes regretfully. But that's who I am.

It's plagued me all my life. "Cathy, it's not what you say, it's how you say it." While that may be true, there is nothing straighter than a line between two points. Who has time for anything else? Life is too short to get caught up in words. (Oooh, isn't that an odd comment coming from an avid lover of blogs?) I don't want to be perceived as harsh, although I am at times. And, unfortunately I have a streak where I cannot shut my mouth when really I should. It's cost me potential friendships, and maybe even some friends. But, shouldn't a friend accept me for who I am, even if I lack certain social skills?

Ever since this word quietly popped into my head. I have been noticing interesting corollaries in my life. For example, I almost never wear makeup. My philosophy on makeup is that if I wear it daily, how are people going to know when I'm feeling "special" or dressed up for a "special occasion"? Sure, I might look better with some on, but doesn't that just cover over what I really look like? Would you agree that makeup is a type of veil?

I also find it interesting that following my wedding ceremony, in the car on the way to the reception, the first thing I did was rip the veil off my head. I was no princess. I was a normal girl. It was itchy and scratchy and got in the way. My mom freaked as soon as she saw me and made me put it back on. In her words, "I paid $150 for that bleepity-bleepity-bleep thing. Put that back on your head NOW!" I acquiesced for the formal reception introductions, but as I look through the later pictures, it was soon gone again.

I know this condition causes me some pain. I've been formally documented at previous places of employment and cited for "being direct". I, for sure, cannot play poker and win. But if you ask me, It's tough for me to have it any other way. I am me. Take me as I am. I know myself and I know my heart - and I am a good person. I just have this condition.

And so, back to where I started, this is likely a fundamental reason why I have unconsciously chosen to go without a virtual veil either. It just wouldn't be me.

Now, if there is anyone who thinks it's a huge mistake, please do let me know. I know there are some creepy creepers out in blogland. Maybe it's a bad idea and I should reconsider. Please, do let me know.
blog comments powered by Disqus