checking in

Yah, yah.  It's been awhile.  I'm getting it done, out of the way.  Here's my recap for the year including the look back at what I set out to accomplish for my year of growth.   I'm saving the pictures for the end.  (I like to make things pretty with pictures because everyone knows I love pictures.)

Playing more pool.  I score high on the commitment to improve my game.  Unfortunately the result was not as I had hoped.  But that's okay.  I'm not giving up any time soon.

Getting my swing on.  Major success in this department. I think I've logged more hours on the course this past year than in the past 3 years.  And it shows in my swing and my score.  Index is down over three points!

Exercise - Indeed a positive note here.  Walking the golf course more frequently than not is definitely a checkmark in the exercise bucket.  Even better than that?  I've started running again.  Not one, but two races - logging my best 5K time yet!  The weather lately has hampered my running but not for long.  The garage is getting cleaned out and my treadmill soon will be running or, more accurately, I will be running on it.

Writing.  Ah, yes.  This is my epic fail for the year.  I haven't decided what to do in this regard.  Only time will tell.

Reading.  Hmmm, cannot say epic fail but definitely not where I want to be.  On the plus side, I recently started a book and I have a few others on the nightstand waiting for me.

Friendships.  I think a plus on this one.  At least I hope I've been there more for my friends.  I think 2013 will be a bigger year with more reaching out.

Career focus.  I think a big plus on this one.  A new job at an awesome company.  Lots of growth potential.  Some additional volunteer commitments in this space too.  No negative here.

New clothes - one article a month.   Well, I started the year well but haven't kept to my promise.  Let's see if I can turn it around again in 2013.

Purge, reinvent, learn.  I moved, therefore I purged.  I spent weekends purging.  I am still purging.  This is an easy win for me.  Reinvention, well not so much.  But I am focusing on what I like and what I want to do to be the person I want to be.  I think that's good enough.  Learning - always.

Okay, now that I've checked in on my year of growth, here are a few of my favorite pics from the year. I'll take you month-by-month through some of the best memories.


February - just being silly with Henry and Sam up in Tahoe.

But who loves their mama?

March - getting in a few pow-pow runs - Mott Canyon for those of you wondering.

I also got to meet George Thorogood courtesy of Roland!

And the big boy, all grow'd up.

Vegas in May, of course!

June held Danny's 8th grade graduation.

and a trip to Hawaii,

including our first luau....

July I saw a baseball game.  Um, why yes, that would be the San Francisco Giants (aka World Series Champs!)...

And we also lost a very special family member.

In August - a typical meet-up for drinks with dear friends.

It also was when someone got his first car!

The big move in September.

October was my first "race".  Okay, not really a race, it was the Dirty Girl Mud Run and it was fun!

And November showed me why early morning runs are the best.

December meant dinner with friends and co-workers.

And Christmas parties...

with MC Hammer as special DJ!

Not a bad year.  And remember ...

avalanche

It started on Monday.  Just an ordinary day eating an ordinary dinner, but the conversation triggered it.  Danny asked whose house they were going to be at for Christmas to which I replied it'd be mine.  Henry immediately declared that he was sad about this.  He was very matter-of-fact.  He wanted us all to be together.

Ouch.  Ouch for him.  Ouch for me.

Out of nowhere that little nugget became an avalanche of emotion.  Completely caught off guard, I found myself buried thinking only of the death of my forever dreams.  And it was an incredibly hard couple of days.

At some point I realized it was exactly a year ago that Mike decided he was done and called it quits.  I remember the timing exactly because it was the Friday before the Eukel dinner, a charity event we had been attending together since 1995.  But last year I attended alone.  It was both sad and surprisingly enjoyable.

And of course everything is all about Thanksgiving (now that the election is over - yay!).  Last year we celebrated Thanksgiving as a family, minus one very important person.  It was awkward.  It also was very sad.

And here I am today.  Thinking about all this.  Realizing how completely altered my world is now.  Imagine if you will, the house that was your home destroyed by forces of nature - wild fire, hurricane, earthquake - whatever disaster comes to mind.  Luckily you lived through it, but all that remained was a huge mess.  Even though you were overwhelmed by the loss, you still managed to put one foot in front of the other and eventually had a tidy pile of rubble.  And then it was time to rebuild.

Here I am.  My new house is framed.  The walls are up, but bare.  There is a smattering of furniture, the minimum really.  It's rather nondescript inside and feels hollow.  It doesn't feel like home.  Not yet.

Somehow I managed to get through last week.  I mustered up the energy to do dinner with great girl friends Friday night.  Saturday morning I did my first race in what feels like forever, and then basically spent the rest of the day in bed watching a bad movie.  It was awesome.  Sunday was golf and I cooked a dinner enjoyed by all, something that always makes me happy.

But what I did that mattered most was writing this post.  I didn't hit publish on Friday night.  I was too exhausted.  The post was too raw and full of the emotion engulfing me.   But writing those emotions out, making them make sense on "paper", it helped me process.

By the time I was done spilling my "whoa is me" I was done with being "whoa is me" and instead could see things differently.  Yes my life is completely altered from what it was, but look at where I am today compared with a year ago!  I'm not in limbo.  I am not on the precipice of destruction and the unknown.  I am no longer waiting for the hurricane to hit and instead I'm rebuilding.  It's okay.  I'm okay.  I think I'm better than okay.

And also, now I know why I write.

a little bit boring

Time keeps slipping away and this space remains stale.  It's not that I don't have the time - I can find the time to do what I want.  It's not that I don't want to write - I just can't figure out what to write.  The divorce is done.  The moves are done.  Life is moving on.   Kind of boring actually compared with all the heavy stuff in the months (okay years) prior.

So, to keep things boring, let me share with you the top ten discoveries of my new life.

1.) Keeping the house clean is really easy when there aren't kids around.  Ridiculously easy.
2.) I can go an entire week without washing a single dish when the boys are at their dad's.  In fact, I can go an entire week without even filling the sink with my dirty dishes.
3.) Laundry can now be done in three loads (or less) per week.  Kind of boggles my mind but it's true.  And that includes all the towels.
4.) I tend to feel like I'm forgetting something when it's not my week with the boys.
5.) Not having the boys every other week does not correlate to increased exercise, reading or writing.  Ahem.
6.) I actually don't mind making the boys' beds when they leave for the week.  Makes me feel good that their rooms look tidy and they're nice for when they return.
7.) Garbage and recyclables need to go out whether or not the boys are around to do it.  :/
8.) The cat is far more sociable when the boys are not around.
9.)  Every other week the TV belongs exclusively to me.  I can watch whatever I want exactly whenever I want.
10.) I really miss the boys when they're not here but also manage to occupy my time in a fulfilling way.

Anyway, like I said, a little bit boring.  But it's my new life.  And I'm settling in.

P.S. - bonus points if you can find something a little different about this page.

today is day two

While all the chatter yesterday was about the horrible tragedy of 9/11, it was only a footnote to me.  You see, for me, yesterday marked a much more personal event.  Yesterday was the date I became officially divorced.  Officially a single woman.   Officially beginning a new life.

What, you might ask, did I do - if anything - to mark the occasion?  I did fun and exciting stuff.  I got the kids off to school and went to work.  I met up with a friend for a cocktail (okay two) after work.  I went to Tuesday night pool league.  And then I went home and went to bed.  Exciting I know.

And today, day two.  I got the kids off to school and went to work.  I'll go home and make the boys dinner.   I'll unpack two boxes (that's my unpacking goal - two a day).  I'll watch some TV.  I might do some fantasy football research.  Exciting I know.

I expect the rest of the week to be more of the same.  But, I will say, changes are coming.  More reading and writing.  More golfing and regular exercise.  I've even signed on to do one of those mud run events.  Exciting I know.

a heavy heart and sigh of relief

I've been good at moving forward.  It's easy really - there is no choice.  The divorce will be final in less then two weeks.  September 11th to be exact.

The mountain that was selling our house, the last obstacle and final severance of our material ties, is now in the rearview mirror.  The roller coaster is parked on the platform and it's time to get off the ride.  

Hence the sigh of relief.  Hence the heavy heart.

I'll be moving this weekend.   Into my own house.  Into my own space.  It will be, as the saying goes, the first day of the rest of my life.

I set some goals back in January about how this year would be the year of growth.  I reviewed the list and still feel they are true to my heart.  I'll keep that post handy as a reminder and a tool to focus.  I am eager to start a new routine - a much healthier routine.  I am eager to see what this next chapter will hold for me.  But it would be a lie if I were not to say I'm scared as hell.

i've been waiting

I've been a bit quiet around here quite intentionally.  Lots of stuff going on and I didn't want to jinx anything.   Well, keeping quiet hasn't helped anything so let me fill you in.

I got into a terrible legal mess at the beginning of June.  I will not go into details but let's just say I'm retaining a lawyer and it is what it is, but it is not good.  Boo!

We listed our house at the end of June and immediately got an offer.  Yay!

We countered; they countered; we countered; they inspected; we were surprised (in a bad way); they countered; we countered.  Finally we agreed to terms.  Yay!

And then I realized I had no place to go and only four weeks to figure it out.  Boo!

But then I found a place - the perfect place (well, as perfect as buying a house can be when you're low budget).  Yay!

And then I started thinking about decorating and realized I have no skills in that department.  Boo!

And then my boy's cat went missing.  Boo!

And then we got word our buyer may not be able to perform.  Boo!

And then our neighbor found our cat, dead.  Double boo....

And we had to bury him on my oldest son's birthday which pretty much removed any desire to celebrate.  Triple boo....

And then my realtor called and said that our buyer definitely could not perform and we need to go back on the market.  Quadruple boo....

But through all of this, I feel okay.  Actually I think I feel better than okay.  Does all this all this blow like the sands of the Sahara?  You bet.  Will I get through it?  You bet.  Every trial I've been through just reaffirms my faith in myself and my ability to overcome adversity.  More to the point, isn't this life? Everyone has ups and downs.   Doom and gloom, worry, blame, negativity - none of those things are going to help or, more significantly, change anything.  When I didn't fall to pieces this morning after I read the email from my realtor, I realized I'm making great progress.  Yay!

And now, a picture of our lovely Tucker.

One Cool Cat 

a little respite

It's been almost three weeks since I last posted. Eh, what do you want? Summer is for little routine and lazy days although I think I've been anything but lazy.

I took two of the three boys off to Hawaii - Oahu actually. The firstborn was unable to attend due to a prior commitment (read summer school). It was my first trip anywhere in that great state and it did not disappoint.

The kids all slept late and the peaceful quiet were all mine to savor. I got to wake up to this view every single day.   This picture was snapped at about sunrise (also known as the latest I could sleep!)

Boys played in the sand and worked on their tans.

We visited the land of "Lost" (supposedly though I don't know for sure).

They jumped off Waimea Rock.

And played in the surf.

We visited a piece of history.

And Danny was asked to drive the boat!

We capped it off with a luau.  The boys (and me too!) enjoyed themselves - can you tell?

Best of all, I can home with a lot of these:

I hope everyone is enjoying a nice summer.  More news later....just waiting for things to settle down.