status report

So last time I posted it was about my year of growth.  Time to measure up and be transparent on my progress towards those things.  You all have to keep me honest, keep me looking forward.  Sometimes it's tough keeping my head up.

And here's the list:

I picked up an additional night of pool in an effort to bring up my game a bit.
      Okay, played my first week.  I was nervous as heck even though I know my teammates.  Too much pressure on myself but I know I'll settle down.

I will start going to the driving range and get my swing on.
     Fail.  But I'm going to cut myself some slack on this one.  It IS winter (ssshhhh - don't look at the weather in the SF Bay Area as of late because it hardly feels like winter.)

I will exercise more. 
     Fail.  No excuses.  Oh well.

I will write more.
     Fail, although I will say that I have been practicing better writing habits.  In fact, the other night when I was trying to drift off to sleep I had a post whirling around in my thoughts.  Instead of being lazy, I grabbed my notebook and wrote it out.  Even in draft form I liked it.  It was abstract and poetic, not my typical style but one which I'd like to explore.  Unfortunately I took the notebook with me on an errand today and misplaced it!  At least I have good intentions.  Working on it.

I will read more.
     Sort of.  I've been picking up the pace in general with more free time but haven't increased since this last post.

I will have time to be available for those who might need me.
     Yes!  Tonight I am having one of my oldest and dearest friends over to toss back a few and relax in the hot tub.  It's not just me having a bad time. 

I will focus on my career.
      Not sure I have much choice on this one.  I've been going about 100 mph and I don't see any signs of it slowing down. 

I will get some new clothes to help me look good and feel better about myself - one article a month.  (I already did a little shopping spree!)
     Okay - I'm not counting January because I did my initial shopping spree the day before New Year's Eve.  February is right around the corner and my personal stylist (yes, I do have one!) sent me an email the other day asking what I had in mind.  This is such a trip.  I've never done anything  like this.  And, for the record, my personal stylist is someone I know from a bar I frequent.  I'm not that posh.

I will purge and reinvent and learn. 
     This is a bit vague.   I definitely haven't purged like I need to.  I guess I am in the process of reinventing myself and that will just take time.  As for learning, I am definitely learning more about myself and it's a good thing - if I can handle it.

****************************************************************************

On a completely separate note, my last post was my 100th!  I don't really pay attention to my stats but when I went to write this one, my summary page said 100 posts.   I actually clicked the new post button before it registered and I had to go back for the double-take.  I started this mainly because I wanted to participate in the blogging community.   I had been reading blogs for awhile, first foodie and then writers and moms.   The community was supportive and friendly and convenient.  I wanted a piece of that.  Now I write more for myself but I'm glad to be here with all the friendship and support.  Now I just need to remember to renew my domain name!

growth

I've seen lots of posts over the past week.  Most are reflecting on the past year or choosing a particular word or phrase to define their new year.   Personally I'd like to pretend that the year 2011 never existed so I think I need to look forward, but a word on the first 11 days.

I rang in the New Year alone.  It seems very appropriate considering the year I have in front of me.  On one hand it was perfect, on the other it was depressing.  Immediately following the new year (January 2nd) was my nineteenth wedding anniversary - now a hollow and meaningless day. 

The first work week of 2012 ended with my primary project getting pulled.   This was disappointing on a number of levels.  I enjoyed the project and the project team.  The work was new and varied, significantly complicated and really kept me busy (which I desperately need).  It also meant that I would not be able to travel back east on the company's dime depriving me of a visit with my sister and father that I hoped to squeeze in.

January 9th marked the 10th anniversary of my mother's death.  Every year I always think it's going to be notable.  Most years it is not and this one was no exception.  The thing is, I feel her loss every single day.  The passage of time is irrelevant.  The sadness doesn't go away, the pain doesn't lessen.  I have simply learned how to push the sadness down and away.  It works for me.  My therapist might disagree.

But enough of all that.  It is, after all, a new year.  In the spirit of my "life is how you look at it" attitude, I'm going to focus on the positives. 

My life is what it is and I have to make the most of it.  I have to get used to having an entire week where I have nothing to do except what I want or need to do.  There will be no kids to feed, reprimand or bathe.  No homework to monitor.  No arguments to referee.  No dinner to cook if I don't feel like it.  It's really quite an odd feeling.  All this free time after 16+ years of doing stuff for everyone else.

Therefore, 2012 will be my year of growth.

I picked up an additional night of pool in an effort to bring up my game a bit.

I will start going to the driving range and get my swing on.

I will exercise more.

I will write more.

I will read more.

I will have time to be available for those who might need me.

I will focus on my career. 

I will get some new clothes to help me look good and feel better about myself - one article a month.  (I already did a little shopping spree!)

I will purge and reinvent and learn.  I (almost) have a blank slate.  I can make myself what I want to be.  Bring on 2012.

i'll tell you what i did

It's a new day.  It's a new year.  Really it's a new life or will be soon for me.  I could be all dark and dreary about how awful 2011 was for me.  Or, I could sit and try to pull out any strands of silver to line that cloud.  Or I could just tell you how I spent my New Year's Eve and maybe you can tell me how you spent yours.

But first I will begin by telling you the traditional New Year's Eve.  Tradition had lots of people coming to our house, kids in tow, overnight bags in hand.  We would laugh and drink, half watch the random NYE special on the big screen.  Little ones would run around and play like mad - even they could feel the excitement in the air.

At 9 pm, we'd call up friends and family on the East Coast and do teleshots.  (Teleshots, in case you're wondering, are where we're all on speaker phone toasting and drinking a shot of whatever our favorite flavor happens to be.)   We would munch on the table full of treats, some homemade, some bought.  We would crack more beers, open more wine and have a few more toasts. 

At some point we'd gather the little ones in the master bedroom.  We'd setup the bean bag chairs and sleeping bags and pop a movie in the TV.  Little little ones would be put to bed in one of the front bedrooms and the rest would be allowed to stay up til midnight for the celebration, as long as they behaved. 

Shortly before midnight I'd scramble to find enough champagne glasses, and there never were enough.  Corks would pop and glasses filled.  Even the little ones had their sparkling apple cider.  When the clock struck midnight, "Happy New Years!" would be shouted, hugs and kisses making the rounds, adults and children alike.  Glasses would clink as we would drink our sips of spirits.  Music would blast and we'd all get our boogie on, at least for a few songs.

At some point soon thereafter most of the kids would be put to rest.  The hot tub would be fired up, if not already, and the night would continue on.  I remember several years of being up til 4 am.  But eventually we'd all crash.

The morning would start with someone staggering to the coffee maker and getting a pot on.  People would trickle out of their sleep and join those of us already awake gathered around the center island in the kitchen.  The guys would make their way to the living room in front of the big screen and put some movie on - usually one of the Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. Sometimes a game of Risk would be played instead.  The girls would tend to the kids, making them breakfast as we'd clutch our coffee.  The hot tub would be fired up again and perhaps a mimosa, bloody mary or two would be consumed.  Somewhere around whenever, people would eventually make their way out the door, invariably leaving something behind.  And the clean up would begin.

These memories are golden.  I cannot think about them without a feeling of warmth and smile upon my face.  For me, there could not have been a better way to ring in the new year.  Until this year.  This year I did something totally different.  Many people thought I was crazy but it just seemed like the right thing for me.

This year I farmed out the kids to their friends' houses.  The going-to-be-ex left on Thursday and went up to Tahoe for the weekend.  And I stayed home alone.

In the afternoon I watched three movies.  None were particularly good and, in fact, I dozed off during one of them.  Later on, I opened up my laptop and chatted online with some friends.  Feeling slightly cheery I pulled out a bottle of champagne I found tucked in the back of the garage fridge.  I simultaneously sipped and chatted, watched movies and then read.   I think I was asleep before 11:00 pm.  Definitely not the traditional NYE but it was pretty much perfect and exactly what I needed.


To all of my friends near and far, Happy New Year!  

What did you do for NYE?  Was it your norm?  Was it better or worse?  Do you have traditions that you could imagine skipping?

and it's the holidays

I haven't been around these parts much lately.  Work, the holidays, work.  I'm sure you all can relate.

Have no fear though.  I hope to use some of these days off to catch up on my reading and commenting.

In the meantime ...Happy Holidays! 

life is how you look at it

I'm sitting here working my way through the muck of it all.  I'm trying to take each day, day-by-day or even minute-by-minute.  It's a good way to survive.  Maybe the only way.   I think I'm pretty good at trying to balance and keep things in perspective.  I've written about it before - always maintain perspective.  A search on my site will show a quite few entries all going back to perspective.

It's good.  How do you know if things are good if you don't experience the bad?

So my resolve through this muck is to keep things in perspective.  This week I received an email from the room parent of my son's class.  My 2nd grader's classmate's father was just diagnosed with a brain tumor.  In short order he went from "something is not quite right" to a hastily scheduled biopsy of a brain tumor. 

My problems are not of that magnitude.  And I just have to keep that perspective.  There is a part of me that feels guilty to look at other people's tragedies as something good for me - but it is.  It keeps my perspective.  Now, more than anything, I need that.

I have my health.  My kids have theirs. 

I have a good job.  It pays well.  My boss is great.  The work is stimulating.  The work can be overwhelming but a great distraction.

I have friends.  Lots and lots and lots of supportive friends.

Look at that list.  I really shouldn't complain.  And I will try not to.

giggles and chuckles

Last night, as per my usual routine at Henry's bedtime I went in to lie down with him.  I plied his book out of his hands ("It's way past your bedtime buddy..."), put the CD player on (a playlist of some favorite pop tunes given as a party favor from one of his friends) and hit the lights.

After he finally settled in and scooted over, I tucked his big, blue blankie all over him and lay down for snuggle time.  Often I am conflicted during this time.  Usually it's a long day and I still have things to do, or I just need my down time.  But not last night.  Last night I was keenly aware how short-lived this time will be.  Part of this is simply a function of his age.  Of course, the other part is knowing that there soon will be many nights when he will not be in my house and I won't be able.

We knocked heads as I laid down, my glasses cracking against my nose.  We both agreed that I should take them off which, of course, I did.  And then the conversation ensued.

Henry: So can you not see without your glasses?

Me:  No, I can see, just everything is a little bit fuzzy.

Henry:  Can you see my hand?

Me:  Yes, I can see your hand?

Henry:  What am I touching?

Me:  You're touching the wall.

Henry:  Okay what am I touching now?

Me:  You're still touching the wall.

Henry:  Okay what am I touching now?

Me:  You're not touching anything.

Henry:  Okay, what about now? 

Me:  Ssshhhhhh sweetie.  I can see okay - it's things like, see the clock on your wall?  I can't read the time.

Henry:  What am I touching now?

Me: Ssshhhhh.  You should be looking at the back of your eyelids. 

Henry:  What am I looking at now?

Me:  The back of your eyelids.

There is a pause.  No response - I must have got it right.

Henry:  What am I looking at now?

Me:  Ssshhhhh.  Come on now - you need to settle down.  You should be looking at the back of your eyelids.

He laughs and tries to talk more.  Slowly I start scratching his back, still my baby I'm trying to soothe with the essence of touch. 

Henry:   Giggle, giggle...


I continue scratching - and the giggles continue.  At some point there's a nice hearty chuckle.  Then two.  Then more.

Henry:  Giggle, giggle, chuckle, chuckle...

Henry:  Giggle, giggle, chuckle, chuckle...

Henry:  Okay now mama can you give me a ma-sausage? 

Me:  A what?

Henry:  A ma-sausage.

Me:  Oh, you mean massage?

Henry:  Yeah, a massage.

Me:  Okay.

And so I do.  First the shoulders, then the neck, across the arms.  Gently trying to coax him into relaxation.

Henry:  Did you get trained on how to give a massage?

Me:  Oh - nope.  Sure didn't.

Henry:  Then how do you know how to do it?

Me:  Um, I don't know.  I just do.

Henry:  Well, you're good at it.  Now, can you go back to doing what you were doing before when you were dragging your nails on my back?

Me:   Sure sweetie pie.

And I do for a few minutes more but it's clear that this could go on forever and he needs to get to sleep.  He senses my departure and wraps his arms tightly around my neck.

Henry:  No mama - don't leave!

Increasing his grip tighter and tighter he starts cackling with laughter.  The challenge is on.

I wiggle and squirm managing to get my legs over the edge of the bed.  I struggle trying to break free of the long limbs and sharp elbows but he is holding on strong.  Like a game of chicken, as I'm pulling free, away from the bed dragging him with me, he finally releases knowing that if he doesn't, he might just land on the floor.  Of course I wouldn't let that happen but he doesn't need to know that.

I turn and give a quick kiss goodnight and a final tuck-in careful to not become ensnared again.  Until the next night.

minute by minute

One of my biggest problems is that I think too much.  I just can’t turn my brain off.  It is especially challenging when there are a bunch of unknowns.  I dwell and imagine, usually the worst case scenario.  I try to predict and plan.  I try to understand what to expect.  I can’t do that right now.  All I can do is live minute by minute.

One minute I’m incredibly sad, crushed under the blanket of sorrow in my loss.  The next minute I can’t get out of this relationship fast enough.

One minute I can’t believe I’m here.  The next minute I feel okay.

One minute I’m searching the local listings wondering if there is anything I might possibly be able to afford.   The next minute I’m accepting the reality that we need to sell our house before I can do anything.

One minute I’m stubborn and determined to make him “own” this and make it happen – this is his choice.  The next minute I’m the one calling the realtor and scratching out a draft of a settlement agreement.

But there is no minute where I envision anything ever returning to some semblance of my old normal.  And these are the minutes where my thoughts spin wildly out of control.  These are the minutes that produce so much anxiety I can’t eat or sleep. 

The outpouring of kindness and support has buoyed me up.  I feel lighter with the weight of the secret no longer occupying my thoughts.  I no longer have any minutes of shame.  For that I am most grateful.  Reminders that I am strong, that I will be okay help boost my confidence, even if it is only for a minute.  It keeps me moving forward.  And that’s what I need most – to move forward – minute by minute.