the past eight months

I've been missing this space.  I miss the community.  I miss the therapeutic nature of writing.  I miss deep thoughts (and stupid ones too).  I can't say my absence isn't without cause.  It's actually been deliberate.

When I started at Twitter, I was unprepared that my personal Twitter account was going to be connected to the company, my employer.  It didn't have to be.  I could've setup a separate account, but it all just happened so quickly.  I didn't think it through.  I've since removed the blog URL from my profile and have been playing a waiting game.  Hopefully enough time has passed (and that Google Reader ceased to exist) so any co-workers that might have been paying attention aren't any longer.   Regardless, I want to play catch-up.

My last post was Sammy's graduation in June.  Crazy.  And since then there have been a lot of good times.

I've made new friends to golf with.

Co-workers who love beer share the joy.

Shared many drinks with friends.

Those who need not be named.

Met some famous people.

Commander Hadfield and my dear friend Lucy

Jean Luc Picard, I mean, Patrick Stewart

Thanksgiving was fun.  The family went to Disney World to meet up with my sis and hers.  Did you know that I love Disney?  I'm kinda a freak about it actually.

Here I am imitating Donald Duck, my favorite character.

Quack Quack!

We actually got to enjoy a nice meal, too.

Teppan Edo in Epcot. 

And it wouldn't be vacation without a little golf (who's on the hat?).

Me and my sis!

I went to a great Christmas party in the City.

San Francisco City Hall in Twitter Blue

And played a little golf around the holidays too (thank you California!)

Birdie!

Finally, I wrapped up the year's end with someone special at a Sharks game.

Birthday boy.

After taking several months off from league, I went back to playing some pool.

And started a new tradition.

"Lasagna at Cathy's" 

Of course there've been more drinks with friends.

Friends forever. 

And someone celebrated his 10th earlier this month!

Why yes, he does love Minecraft.

And there it is, the last eight months in review.  Hope to be around here more often.

one down, two to go

It feels odd to think that one of my boys is now a graduate.  Part of me feels like it's been an eternity; part of me feels like it wasn't too long ago I was dealing with him as a stubborn two year old.  It begs the question "where did the time go?"  But that question has been asked and answered.  

My job is done.  But not really.  I have an (almost) adult child.  Just like my dad said when I got my driver's license, "Just because you got your license today doesn't mean that you're now an expert driver."  My dad always has such sage advice.  The same principle can apply to being an adult.  Just because he's a graduate, just because he'll soon be 18, these things mean something - but not much.  There's still so much growing to do.  I hope he grows throughout his life.

I still don't know what he'll be when he grows up.  He doesn't know either and that's okay.  He has passed this milestone and is on to the next.

Now for some pics:

 The graduate with his brothers and mother.  Clearly I'm shrinking....

The boys and proud mama.

We had the sweet surprise of East Coast family for the affair.  My Dad and sister flew out just for the event.  I couldn't have been happier.

The family (including Auntie Chris and Grandpa).

This post would not be complete without the obligatory embarrassing photo.  I could've found some butt shot from his baby-hood, but instead I chose the picture I took this morning.  Yes, he still loves his Snoopy, a gift from his Auntie when he was born.  He's going to kill me for this.

He's still my baby.

Five for Five: Change

Brother, can you spare a dime?

I am weak to drink.

Voices keep shouting in my head.

A cup of coffee, a loaf of bread.

Whatever you can spare.

Can you help me out?

No? God bless you.

We're just trying to get by. 

Thank you brother.  Thank you.

Sister, can you spare a nickel?

Been beaten and beaten down.

And I need to protect my baby.

The street is hard and the nights are cold.

Anything really.  Anything for a room.

I need to buy me and my kid some food.

No? No worries.  God bless you.

We're just trying to get by.  

Thank you sister.  Thank you.

People can you spare some change?

I used to play with the best but been down on my luck.

Lost my gig and got bills to pay.

Life's been hard but I will play you a tune.

What do you fancy? 

A sweet song, a blue melody.

Brother, sister, can you spare some change?

No? God bless you.

Maybe next time. 

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This post is inspired by Momalom's Five for Five.  Todays' topic:  Change.  Come link up!

my how time flies

Today my baby is eight.  Not just my baby, but the last baby.

He hangs with his brothers.

Eats huge jawbreakers.

And is now an expert skier.

I've witnessed his first kiss.

He hangs out at Raiders games and loves football.

But will still ride the merry go-round.

And leave his mother love notes.

Happy birthday Henry. 

status report

So last time I posted it was about my year of growth.  Time to measure up and be transparent on my progress towards those things.  You all have to keep me honest, keep me looking forward.  Sometimes it's tough keeping my head up.

And here's the list:

I picked up an additional night of pool in an effort to bring up my game a bit.
      Okay, played my first week.  I was nervous as heck even though I know my teammates.  Too much pressure on myself but I know I'll settle down.

I will start going to the driving range and get my swing on.
     Fail.  But I'm going to cut myself some slack on this one.  It IS winter (ssshhhh - don't look at the weather in the SF Bay Area as of late because it hardly feels like winter.)

I will exercise more. 
     Fail.  No excuses.  Oh well.

I will write more.
     Fail, although I will say that I have been practicing better writing habits.  In fact, the other night when I was trying to drift off to sleep I had a post whirling around in my thoughts.  Instead of being lazy, I grabbed my notebook and wrote it out.  Even in draft form I liked it.  It was abstract and poetic, not my typical style but one which I'd like to explore.  Unfortunately I took the notebook with me on an errand today and misplaced it!  At least I have good intentions.  Working on it.

I will read more.
     Sort of.  I've been picking up the pace in general with more free time but haven't increased since this last post.

I will have time to be available for those who might need me.
     Yes!  Tonight I am having one of my oldest and dearest friends over to toss back a few and relax in the hot tub.  It's not just me having a bad time. 

I will focus on my career.
      Not sure I have much choice on this one.  I've been going about 100 mph and I don't see any signs of it slowing down. 

I will get some new clothes to help me look good and feel better about myself - one article a month.  (I already did a little shopping spree!)
     Okay - I'm not counting January because I did my initial shopping spree the day before New Year's Eve.  February is right around the corner and my personal stylist (yes, I do have one!) sent me an email the other day asking what I had in mind.  This is such a trip.  I've never done anything  like this.  And, for the record, my personal stylist is someone I know from a bar I frequent.  I'm not that posh.

I will purge and reinvent and learn. 
     This is a bit vague.   I definitely haven't purged like I need to.  I guess I am in the process of reinventing myself and that will just take time.  As for learning, I am definitely learning more about myself and it's a good thing - if I can handle it.

****************************************************************************

On a completely separate note, my last post was my 100th!  I don't really pay attention to my stats but when I went to write this one, my summary page said 100 posts.   I actually clicked the new post button before it registered and I had to go back for the double-take.  I started this mainly because I wanted to participate in the blogging community.   I had been reading blogs for awhile, first foodie and then writers and moms.   The community was supportive and friendly and convenient.  I wanted a piece of that.  Now I write more for myself but I'm glad to be here with all the friendship and support.  Now I just need to remember to renew my domain name!

minute by minute

One of my biggest problems is that I think too much.  I just can’t turn my brain off.  It is especially challenging when there are a bunch of unknowns.  I dwell and imagine, usually the worst case scenario.  I try to predict and plan.  I try to understand what to expect.  I can’t do that right now.  All I can do is live minute by minute.

One minute I’m incredibly sad, crushed under the blanket of sorrow in my loss.  The next minute I can’t get out of this relationship fast enough.

One minute I can’t believe I’m here.  The next minute I feel okay.

One minute I’m searching the local listings wondering if there is anything I might possibly be able to afford.   The next minute I’m accepting the reality that we need to sell our house before I can do anything.

One minute I’m stubborn and determined to make him “own” this and make it happen – this is his choice.  The next minute I’m the one calling the realtor and scratching out a draft of a settlement agreement.

But there is no minute where I envision anything ever returning to some semblance of my old normal.  And these are the minutes where my thoughts spin wildly out of control.  These are the minutes that produce so much anxiety I can’t eat or sleep. 

The outpouring of kindness and support has buoyed me up.  I feel lighter with the weight of the secret no longer occupying my thoughts.  I no longer have any minutes of shame.  For that I am most grateful.  Reminders that I am strong, that I will be okay help boost my confidence, even if it is only for a minute.  It keeps me moving forward.  And that’s what I need most – to move forward – minute by minute.

i was in the picture mood

I snapped off a few photos this weekend with my trusty iPhone - photos of things that I like and make me happy.

First up:

I mean really, who cannot melt at the sight of this?  A little note for no apparent reason, except of course to tell me he loves me.

This is the fog coming over the hills, darkening the sky and bringing in a chill.  Some folks might not like that, but I love the wind whipping and seeing the mist materialize before my eyes bringing sweet relief on warm summer days.

And then the fruit from our plum tree this year!  Holy cow that's a lot of plums.  Help?

A little preparation for my annual backpacking trip with the boy scouts.  Always be prepared which means set the tent up once before you go!

And last, a little bit of creativity from the 7yo.  Introducing "The Shield Generator".

the grades game

Last weekend we attended a gathering at a friend's house here in town.   Although the family has two boys the same age, the parents are a bit older than my husband and me.   I find this often with other parents with teenagers.  I had my first child at age 25 but it seems most women in my town held off until 35 or 40 to start having kids.  Realize that this puts 10-15 years of an age gap between myself and the moms of other teens.  I don't really care but I think it is one of the reasons I don't hang out with many mothers in town.  There is a big difference between 41 and 56.

When it was time to eat I ended up sitting at the patio table with the "girls".  All of the women were in the upper 50's and all had children who recently graduated from the local high school and were on their way to college.  Naturally the conversation surrounded the kids.  We talked about the differences between boys and girls, the colleges their kids were going to and the "grades game".

In talking about the high school, I mentioned that my son received a D in his AP European History class but passed the AP exam.  I was questioning if the teacher might have been a little harsh on the grading.  All four women, almost in unison, said to me "he has to get that D off his transcript".  Failure to do so would result in him not being able to get into a 4-year college.

The conversation continued on with further detail about the grades game.  Apparently to get into college the number one factor is GPA, with SAT scores taking second.  Further, and this is what is most disturbing to me, these women - these experienced having just been there, done that - all agreed that my son should drop his honors classes and take the simplest classes possible just to get the higher GPA.  That unless he can guarantee he is going to get an A in an honors class, he'd be better served taking some bullshit class like Foods.  My son liked chemistry this year and has signed up for AP Chemistry.  Now I think he should drop it.  That is sad and it disgusts me.

These women all agreed that colleges don't look at the classes the kids took - they only look at the GPA.  The fact that my son passed his AP exam is irrelevant - that D is all that matters.  These women must have said to me twenty times that we have to do something to get that D off his transcript, even if it means taking a follow up class at some private academy to the tune of $3,000!

How can this be?  How can course content not matter?  I sit here and I am still slightly skeptical although I think I would be a fool to dismiss advice from four women who all said the same exact thing.  Women who have just lived through this experience.  I am so disappointed if this is true, but can I risk it? 

random questions

At any given moment, I seem to be questioning so much.  Maybe if I can get some answers, it'll be easier for me to sleep. 

• How many months need to pass without a visit to the gym before I admit to myself that I'll never get there and all I'm doing is wasting my money?
• When was my last period?  Six weeks ago? Longer?  At what point do I call the doctor?
• Is my teenager having sex?  Smoking weed?
• Is my middle boy starting to go through puberty yet?
• Is my teenager ever going to get his grades good so he can get into a college?  If he does, how will I afford it?
• Should I try to find (yet another) new babysitter or just suck it up and deal with everything myself?
• Why don't more people comment on my blog?  Why do I care?  Why do I write?  Can you even call it "writing"?  
• Am I too depressing and negative?
• How many hoops do I have to go through to get my IRA rolled into my 401(k)?
• How can I get what I need while giving what my husband, children and job need?
• Do I like playing pool still?  Should I quit the more competitive team and join one just for fun?  Would I find that fun?
• When could I learn yoga?  When could I learn meditation?  Would it just cause me more stress to try and fit those in to my already too busy schedule?
• If I love golf so much, why don't I make more time for it?  Same question, only for pool?
• Am I ever going to learn to play that bass guitar I got for my birthday two years ago?
• Why am I so critical of myself, and of others?  Why do I have such high standards?
• Is it wrong to like TV?

So how about some answers?

hope this makes you smile

Hello everyone.  I know it's been awhile.  Sometimes life just gets a little busy.

I captured a little skier/rider creativity that made me smile and thought I'd share.  Hope it gives you a smile too.

i'm a very good driver

As a mother I do a lot of driving.  Take a Tuesday for example.  I drive the oldest and drop him off at school in the morning and then make my way to the BART station.  If I’m lucky (and early enough) I’ll get a spot.  If not, then I have to drive back home and wait for the 10:00 am parking to open up and drive back down there.  Of course, after work, I drive home.   Tuesdays they boys have Boy Scouts so I drive one kid to the middle school, and then I drive back home.  A short time later I have to pick up the oldest from lacrosse practice at the high school, and then I drive back home.  Finally it’s time to pick up the kid from Boy Scouts, and then I drive back home.  You get the picture. 

Winter provides even more hours on the road with our weekend trips up to the mountains for skiing.  Three hours (if we’re lucky) each way.  Every weekend.  You see by all this driving how I must be a very good driver.  And I am (as I pat myself on the back).  It’s all the other folks out there that make me scratch my head and wonder if they got their license from a Cracker Jack box.   Where did some of these people learn to drive?!

I’ve categorized them.  Yes, I have.  I haven’t earned the nickname “Poster Child for Road Rage” for nothing.

First let me tell you about the Magician.  These are the people driving on the highway who put their blinkers on and immediately move into your lane.  They assume their magical prowess causes you to evaporate into a POOF of air simply because they put on their blinker.  You just don’t exist anymore.

Of course there’s the Tailgater.  You know the type, riding up your rear so close it reminds you of a dog sniffing another dog’s butt.  Only they’re not friendly and wagging their tails.  These people are just plain rude (and stupid because I like to break suddenly to teach them a lesson).  What really gets me irked is when someone tailgates me when I have a slowpoke in front of me.  Listen pal, I can’t move any faster than the person in front of me so back off buddy!

My least favorite is the Traffic Regulator.  Traffic regulators are also known as egotists.  These are the folks that, on a highway, will ride in the left lane even when not passing.  If, however, you decide that you’d like to go around them, they will speed up immediately to prevent that from happening.  You see, they are (of course) driving at the perfect speed and think that you should not drive any faster.  They must keep you in your place – behind them.  At all costs.  These same people you follow for extended periods of time on a long, winding mountain road wishing for a passing lane and when it at long last comes, he hits the gas pedal at break-neck speed eclipsing your ability to pass.

Okay, wait.  I remembered one more – definitely tied for least favorite – the Moving Roadblock.   This is a version of the Traffic Regulator only the motivation is different.  Where the Traffic Regulator is an egotist, the Moving Roadblock is suffering from obliviosity.  Typically no intentional malice, but still just as frustrating.  These are the folks that drive in the left lane and don’t pass either.  What makes it utterly frustrating is that they are side-by-side with the guy in the right lane effectively “blocking” your ability to get around.  

Do you know these people?  Where did they learn to drive?  Have any more to add to the list?  I'm sure someone's got a comment about cell phones and driving.  Or how about those people who drive up in the exit lane and suddenly cut in?

the cheating factor

I know this is going to rub you literary folks, especially any of you that teach.  But I have to go here. I need some advice, perspective if you will.

I learned recently that my son teenager has been using Spark Notes.  For those of you not in the know, this is the online version of Cliff Notes from way back when, you know, in the old days back when I was in school.  I will neither confirm nor deny this author's use of said Cliff Notes, even if on rare occasion.  Hey don't hate!  I was a history major.  Do you know how many books they make you read?

We were discussing classes and school, me giving the usual barrage of "you need to study more" comments.  It always seems like I'm lecturing these days.  Honestly he's been struggling.  It's a difficult year with difficult classes.  The grades have not been good, or at least some subjects have not been good.  Interestingly enough, English has not been one of the problematic subjects causing me him grief.  Curiosity got the best of me and I had to probe and see what was going on in that class.  English is a subject I can converse about.  Chemistry, not so much.

The conversation went something like this:

Me:  Blah, blah, blah.  "And what are you doing in English?  Are you doing any writing?  I know your teacher had lots of books for you to read (this I know based on one of the three Back To School Nights I attended last fall - that's what happens when you have three kids).  How come I never see you reading your books?"

Teenager: "Oh I don't read them.  They're all so boring.  Have you read Brave New World mom?  It's so boring!"

Me:  "Uh, well, how do you pass the class then?"

Teenager:  "Spark Notes, duh, Mom."  Yes, he said that.  Maybe I should lecture him on more respect too?

I played it off.  Of course I am a hip, in-the-know mom.  Spark Notes, duh.  I kept my ignorance to myself, quickly picked my chin up off the floor and babbled on.  We chatted more and I learned all the books they've "read" in class.  It seems that he'll start a book and if he likes it, for example Antigone, he'll read it.  If it's too boring, he jumps over to Spark Notes for the digest version.

My immediate reaction is that it's cheating.  On the other hand, it seems like he is making an effort to try the book and whether he reads it or not, he's getting the plot and analysis.

What do you think?  If it's cheating, how can I stop it?  Even if I block the site at home, he could find another computer somewhere else if he really doesn't want to read the book.  I can be a hypocrite take the moral high ground and express that it is, in fact, cheating and lecture him on one more thing.  Or, I can simply accept the fact and be thankful that he is at least trying first and still getting the exposure?  What is education anyway?  By the way, this teenage crap sucks.  It was so much easier when they were young and believed everything you said without question, like "of course it's your bedtime, the sky is dark."

Backpacking with the Boy Scouts

I know. It’s been awhile. Where have I been? Well, you can probably guess judging by the title of this post for one. Last weekend I went backpacking with the boy scouts and now, as I write this post, I am sitting on a houseboat on Lake Shasta. I am enjoying summer's finest moments.

Every year the boy scouts do an annual four day, 20+ miler backpacking trip and I go with them, although I'm not quite sure why. I guess it's enjoyable? This year it was hot. It was very, very hot. But it was also very, very beautiful. The mosquitoes were fierce which meant that as soon as dinner was done, everyone retired to the bliss of their tents; behind that wonderful invention called mesh providing the much-needed protection from those nasty little suckers. Tent time provided some writing time (in a journal of course) which I am starting the process of copying over to my blog.

The early retirement also meant that I got to spend some nice one-on-one time with the second son. I failed to bring any games (too much weight to carry as it was!) and so these evenings were made of conversation. On our last night, the second son and I put together our list of superlatives from the trip which I now share with you, from his perspective and mine.

Best of
Mom: The views

Echo Lakes - where it all began.

Lake Aloha

Gilmore Lake

First glimpse of Lake Tahoe in the distance!

Son: Snowball fight, in July, when it's HOT!

Worst of
Mom: Mosquitoes
Son: Mosquitoes

Best Quote
Mom: “Staring at nylon” which is what you do when it’s seven o’clock, still light out and you don’t feel like getting eaten alive.
Son: “C’mon coach. Put me in coach. C’mon, I can do this!”

Scariest
Mom: The thought of bears in the night, especially when you have to pee, by yourself, in the dark.
Son: Slipping on snow, next to a cliff. Yes, that’s right. Mid-July and there’s still a TON of snow in the Sierras.

Best Equipment
Mom: Big Agnus tent, for two.
Son: Deet (bug spray in case you don’t know).

Best Luxury Item
Mom: Wipes
Son: Cheese Whiz, in a spray can.

Best Meal
Mom: Spaghetti with meat, freeze-dried, just add water and wait.
Son: Sheppard’s Pie, freeze-dried, just add water and wait.

Worst Ache or Pain
Mom: My stupid knee. Grrrrr. Uphill, fine. Downhill, not so much.
Son: Back – all that twisting while lifting the backpack to actually get it on your shoulders.

Best Article of Clothing
Mom: Mosquito net hat! Duh!
Son: Same.

Best Moment
Mom: When second son comes and says, “Mom, I think I’m going to sleep with you.”
Son: The tent – and being in it away from the mosquitoes.

Most Impressive
Mom: Seeing two families, with five kids under the age of five, hiking up (and I do mean UP) two miles to the first lake. One lady had a full pack on her back and an infant in a front carrier. Damn, that IS impressive.
Son: Hiking up Dick’s Pass. Two straight miles of steep grade, the view from the saddle – WOW! And, the sense of accomplishment when it was done.

Where Did The Time Go?

Forgive me, but this story is a bit meandering.

I was at the elementary school the other day picking up my six-year-old. When we were walking by his classroom, I noticed that his teacher's room was still open so I popped my head in to say 'hi'. Mrs. C has been the Kindergarten teacher for all three of my boys and she is awesome. A 50-something year old former P.E. teacher, she is loud, active and real. She's the only one I know that will call my kids out in a heartbeat, in front of me, without skipping a beat. She commands respect through adoration.

We chatted briefly and I let her know that I was heading out for my annual trek to Las Vegas. She gave me "the look" which I instantly interpreted as "Cathy what are you doing to me?!" You see, the Husband is great at a lot of things but staying on top of three active boys' schedules is not one of them - and she knows it. Without hesitating she says that I have to do ONE thing for her before I leave. And, without hesitation I said, "I know. I have to get a baby picture of Henry in by tomorrow, or else!"

I got home and started pulling my stuff together and remembered the baby photo. It's part of the open house project - all the kids bring in baby photos and then the class goes around trying to match everyone up. So in keeping with my promise, I ended up rifling through a bunch of old photos. At first I couldn't find any baby pictures of Henry! Yikes! But eventually I did, and it was such a wonderful trip in time. Oh, for days gone past! I cannot believe the time is gone.

As it turned out, I shared that sentiment with a friend of mine and his response was really intriguing to me.

Is the time really gone? I think you use your time wisely, so I wouldn't look at it like that.

Wow. I can't explain why, but this really struck me. It made me think - is the time really gone? Is time "gone" if you use it well? We have fun. We do things as a family. We enjoy life. We create memories, even if it's doing nothing. Instead of being sad or wistful of days gone by, I can celebrate the time we've had - the experiences shared. Getting to know my kids for the people they are becoming. I find this concept to be exciting and liberating. It motivates me to set the chores aside and enjoy myself and my time with the kids. There will always be dishes to wash, laundry to do, dinners to cook. But I will not always have my kids at home with me; to share with me moments to be captured in a photo, or not.

So I think my friend is right. I use my time wisely so the time will never truly be gone.