growth

I've seen lots of posts over the past week.  Most are reflecting on the past year or choosing a particular word or phrase to define their new year.   Personally I'd like to pretend that the year 2011 never existed so I think I need to look forward, but a word on the first 11 days.

I rang in the New Year alone.  It seems very appropriate considering the year I have in front of me.  On one hand it was perfect, on the other it was depressing.  Immediately following the new year (January 2nd) was my nineteenth wedding anniversary - now a hollow and meaningless day. 

The first work week of 2012 ended with my primary project getting pulled.   This was disappointing on a number of levels.  I enjoyed the project and the project team.  The work was new and varied, significantly complicated and really kept me busy (which I desperately need).  It also meant that I would not be able to travel back east on the company's dime depriving me of a visit with my sister and father that I hoped to squeeze in.

January 9th marked the 10th anniversary of my mother's death.  Every year I always think it's going to be notable.  Most years it is not and this one was no exception.  The thing is, I feel her loss every single day.  The passage of time is irrelevant.  The sadness doesn't go away, the pain doesn't lessen.  I have simply learned how to push the sadness down and away.  It works for me.  My therapist might disagree.

But enough of all that.  It is, after all, a new year.  In the spirit of my "life is how you look at it" attitude, I'm going to focus on the positives. 

My life is what it is and I have to make the most of it.  I have to get used to having an entire week where I have nothing to do except what I want or need to do.  There will be no kids to feed, reprimand or bathe.  No homework to monitor.  No arguments to referee.  No dinner to cook if I don't feel like it.  It's really quite an odd feeling.  All this free time after 16+ years of doing stuff for everyone else.

Therefore, 2012 will be my year of growth.

I picked up an additional night of pool in an effort to bring up my game a bit.

I will start going to the driving range and get my swing on.

I will exercise more.

I will write more.

I will read more.

I will have time to be available for those who might need me.

I will focus on my career. 

I will get some new clothes to help me look good and feel better about myself - one article a month.  (I already did a little shopping spree!)

I will purge and reinvent and learn.  I (almost) have a blank slate.  I can make myself what I want to be.  Bring on 2012.