a little bit boring

Time keeps slipping away and this space remains stale.  It's not that I don't have the time - I can find the time to do what I want.  It's not that I don't want to write - I just can't figure out what to write.  The divorce is done.  The moves are done.  Life is moving on.   Kind of boring actually compared with all the heavy stuff in the months (okay years) prior.

So, to keep things boring, let me share with you the top ten discoveries of my new life.

1.) Keeping the house clean is really easy when there aren't kids around.  Ridiculously easy.
2.) I can go an entire week without washing a single dish when the boys are at their dad's.  In fact, I can go an entire week without even filling the sink with my dirty dishes.
3.) Laundry can now be done in three loads (or less) per week.  Kind of boggles my mind but it's true.  And that includes all the towels.
4.) I tend to feel like I'm forgetting something when it's not my week with the boys.
5.) Not having the boys every other week does not correlate to increased exercise, reading or writing.  Ahem.
6.) I actually don't mind making the boys' beds when they leave for the week.  Makes me feel good that their rooms look tidy and they're nice for when they return.
7.) Garbage and recyclables need to go out whether or not the boys are around to do it.  :/
8.) The cat is far more sociable when the boys are not around.
9.)  Every other week the TV belongs exclusively to me.  I can watch whatever I want exactly whenever I want.
10.) I really miss the boys when they're not here but also manage to occupy my time in a fulfilling way.

Anyway, like I said, a little bit boring.  But it's my new life.  And I'm settling in.

P.S. - bonus points if you can find something a little different about this page.

today is day two

While all the chatter yesterday was about the horrible tragedy of 9/11, it was only a footnote to me.  You see, for me, yesterday marked a much more personal event.  Yesterday was the date I became officially divorced.  Officially a single woman.   Officially beginning a new life.

What, you might ask, did I do - if anything - to mark the occasion?  I did fun and exciting stuff.  I got the kids off to school and went to work.  I met up with a friend for a cocktail (okay two) after work.  I went to Tuesday night pool league.  And then I went home and went to bed.  Exciting I know.

And today, day two.  I got the kids off to school and went to work.  I'll go home and make the boys dinner.   I'll unpack two boxes (that's my unpacking goal - two a day).  I'll watch some TV.  I might do some fantasy football research.  Exciting I know.

I expect the rest of the week to be more of the same.  But, I will say, changes are coming.  More reading and writing.  More golfing and regular exercise.  I've even signed on to do one of those mud run events.  Exciting I know.

a heavy heart and sigh of relief

I've been good at moving forward.  It's easy really - there is no choice.  The divorce will be final in less then two weeks.  September 11th to be exact.

The mountain that was selling our house, the last obstacle and final severance of our material ties, is now in the rearview mirror.  The roller coaster is parked on the platform and it's time to get off the ride.  

Hence the sigh of relief.  Hence the heavy heart.

I'll be moving this weekend.   Into my own house.  Into my own space.  It will be, as the saying goes, the first day of the rest of my life.

I set some goals back in January about how this year would be the year of growth.  I reviewed the list and still feel they are true to my heart.  I'll keep that post handy as a reminder and a tool to focus.  I am eager to start a new routine - a much healthier routine.  I am eager to see what this next chapter will hold for me.  But it would be a lie if I were not to say I'm scared as hell.

i've been waiting

I've been a bit quiet around here quite intentionally.  Lots of stuff going on and I didn't want to jinx anything.   Well, keeping quiet hasn't helped anything so let me fill you in.

I got into a terrible legal mess at the beginning of June.  I will not go into details but let's just say I'm retaining a lawyer and it is what it is, but it is not good.  Boo!

We listed our house at the end of June and immediately got an offer.  Yay!

We countered; they countered; we countered; they inspected; we were surprised (in a bad way); they countered; we countered.  Finally we agreed to terms.  Yay!

And then I realized I had no place to go and only four weeks to figure it out.  Boo!

But then I found a place - the perfect place (well, as perfect as buying a house can be when you're low budget).  Yay!

And then I started thinking about decorating and realized I have no skills in that department.  Boo!

And then my boy's cat went missing.  Boo!

And then we got word our buyer may not be able to perform.  Boo!

And then our neighbor found our cat, dead.  Double boo....

And we had to bury him on my oldest son's birthday which pretty much removed any desire to celebrate.  Triple boo....

And then my realtor called and said that our buyer definitely could not perform and we need to go back on the market.  Quadruple boo....

But through all of this, I feel okay.  Actually I think I feel better than okay.  Does all this all this blow like the sands of the Sahara?  You bet.  Will I get through it?  You bet.  Every trial I've been through just reaffirms my faith in myself and my ability to overcome adversity.  More to the point, isn't this life? Everyone has ups and downs.   Doom and gloom, worry, blame, negativity - none of those things are going to help or, more significantly, change anything.  When I didn't fall to pieces this morning after I read the email from my realtor, I realized I'm making great progress.  Yay!

And now, a picture of our lovely Tucker.

One Cool Cat 

a little respite

It's been almost three weeks since I last posted. Eh, what do you want? Summer is for little routine and lazy days although I think I've been anything but lazy.

I took two of the three boys off to Hawaii - Oahu actually. The firstborn was unable to attend due to a prior commitment (read summer school). It was my first trip anywhere in that great state and it did not disappoint.

The kids all slept late and the peaceful quiet were all mine to savor. I got to wake up to this view every single day.   This picture was snapped at about sunrise (also known as the latest I could sleep!)

Boys played in the sand and worked on their tans.

We visited the land of "Lost" (supposedly though I don't know for sure).

They jumped off Waimea Rock.

And played in the surf.

We visited a piece of history.

And Danny was asked to drive the boat!

We capped it off with a luau.  The boys (and me too!) enjoyed themselves - can you tell?

Best of all, I can home with a lot of these:

I hope everyone is enjoying a nice summer.  More news later....just waiting for things to settle down.

fragile

It's a seesaw - up then down, up and down again.  And again.  And again.   There are times when I am up so high only to come slamming down, jarred into rude reality.

A common theme for me around here is perspective.  I've written about it time and time again.  In fact, I write about it so much, I'm slightly amused when I look back on all the posts I've written and cited on multiple occasions.  If you've been around awhile - you know.  If you're new, take a peek.

The past few months (years perhaps) have been a bit foggy for me.  It's crazy to think how long I've had turmoil in my life.  But maybe that's just life.  Some people have it easier then others - apparently I'm not one of them.  I saw a quote recently that sums things up well:

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle.  I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”  — Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

I am experiencing major upheaval in my life.  Divorce, buying and selling houses, and moving are huge.  Pile on top some major teenager drama and hurt little boys and it's amazing I even get out of bed every day.  However, even with all this, I thought I was beginning to see the light.  I thought I had hit rock bottom and was climbing out.  No, I knew I was climbing out and it felt good better.

And then - BAM! - something major happened to me a few weeks ago and it made me realize that what I thought was rock bottom was merely a ledge on a cliff and I silently slipped off.  It'll be awhile before this free-fall is over and all I can do is compartmentalize and hope for the best.

It made me realize how truly fragile I am; how uncertain and lengthy this recovery will be.  I can only keep my perspective.  I have my boys and we have our health.  I have a great job that motivates me to get out of bed every day.  There are many people far worse off then I.

And hey - at least I'm falling and haven't gone splat (yet).  Can someone throw me a parachute, please?

the great paradox

Every once in awhile I stumble across a great piece of writing that speaks to me, causes me to think and reflect.   Tonight I was watching an episode of the show Touch and it had such a piece.

  The universe, from atom to galaxy, is in a perpetual state of flux - but we humans don't like change.  We fight it.  It scares us...so we create the illusion of stasis.  We want to believe in a world at rest - the world right now.  Yet our great paradox remains the same.  The moment we grasp the now - that now is gone.  We cling to snapshots, but life is moving pictures.  Each nanosecond different then the last.  Time forces us to grow, to adapt, because every time we blink our eye, the world shifts beneath our feet.

 The timing of hearing this piece is uncanny.  Things are moving forward here.  Last week we finalized our marital settlement agreement and signed the listing agreement with the real estate agent to sell the house.  Everything is very real - for everyone.  And it's hard.

The teenager is acting out.  The attitude is distasteful yet rationally understandable.  The behavior suspect and, in some circumstances, quite obvious.  In all cases, not good.  The venom spewing is hurtful.  It hits me at my core.  And yet somehow I am supposed to remain unemotional and understanding.  Teen years are tough - nothing compared to the "terrible twos" - add to that a divorce and a move and all the uncertainty to which that translates - of course it's a volatile situation.

And last night, as I'm tucking in my youngest who is now aware, the tears start flowing.  He doesn't want to move.  He doesn't want to leave our house.  Of course, you know it's not just the house.  And I hold him and he sobs.  And I do what I should - what I know I should do.  I reassure my love for him and that everything will be okay.  I explain how he's too young to remember that we've moved many times before.  I recount all the moves his brothers have been through.  I hold him and tell him that it'll be a new adventure - he'll have a new house and a new room.

And still he sobs.  And all he can say is "I just want it to be the same."

Yeah baby, I do too.  But nothing will ever be the same - and as the above passage states so rightly - it never could be even if you carry the illusion that it will be.  But that's a lesson difficult for even an adult to grasp.