Friday, December 2, 2011

minute by minute

One of my biggest problems is that I think too much.  I just can’t turn my brain off.  It is especially challenging when there are a bunch of unknowns.  I dwell and imagine, usually the worst case scenario.  I try to predict and plan.  I try to understand what to expect.  I can’t do that right now.  All I can do is live minute by minute.

One minute I’m incredibly sad, crushed under the blanket of sorrow in my loss.  The next minute I can’t get out of this relationship fast enough.

One minute I can’t believe I’m here.  The next minute I feel okay.

One minute I’m searching the local listings wondering if there is anything I might possibly be able to afford.   The next minute I’m accepting the reality that we need to sell our house before I can do anything.

One minute I’m stubborn and determined to make him “own” this and make it happen – this is his choice.  The next minute I’m the one calling the realtor and scratching out a draft of a settlement agreement.

But there is no minute where I envision anything ever returning to some semblance of my old normal.  And these are the minutes where my thoughts spin wildly out of control.  These are the minutes that produce so much anxiety I can’t eat or sleep. 

The outpouring of kindness and support has buoyed me up.  I feel lighter with the weight of the secret no longer occupying my thoughts.  I no longer have any minutes of shame.  For that I am most grateful.  Reminders that I am strong, that I will be okay help boost my confidence, even if it is only for a minute.  It keeps me moving forward.  And that’s what I need most – to move forward – minute by minute.
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