Sunday, April 3, 2011

sunday morning

It's 7:30 am on Sunday.  I have no reason to get up.  The boys don't need me like that anymore.  I want that feeling of sleeping in late, that feeling of being well rested, almost guilty with the pleasure.

The soft sounds of Thomas the Tank Engine drift from the living room.  The beep beep of his whistle, sounds I haven't heard in a long time.  Sounds bringing back memories of the toddler boy I once had, now such an independent little boy.

The sounds of the television are not the problem.  Neither are the pleasant memories.  The sunlight fills the room and I think darkness will help catch the elusive dreamland.  I grab the sleep mask sitting on my nightstand, waiting, ready to do it's job.  Still the drift into dreams evades.  Still. 

My shoulder is sore so I roll to the other side.  I'm a little warm and I kick the covers off my left leg, allowing my foot to feel the relief of the cooler air.  It doesn't work.  It doesn't matter.  There will be no more sleep today.

I've written about this before, my restlessness.    Sleep evades me because of all there is to do, at least all I think there is to do.  There are people encouraging me to relax, prosthelytizing that the world won't end if dinner isn't planned out every night of the week.  That no harm will come if the kids don't have stacks of clean clothes or, gasp, might have to wear the same shorts two days in a row.   That the family will be just fine if the kitchen counters don't get wiped down.  That we will survive if toys are not picked up and put back neat and tidy.  That it's not a big deal if we run out of milk and the kids have to eat dry cereal for breakfast.  That the house will still be cleaned enough if I don't clean for the cleaning people (okay, how crazy is that?!)

And part of me wants to believe. 

I want to skip this worry, this worry about work that causes me to lose sleep.  But, part of me also believes that this is how a mother is judged.  Is it not?  And furthermore, anything I put off today will only have to be done tomorrow.  And tomorrow I have to work, so what's the point?

Are you a planner?  Can you handle the unplanned?  One day, long term?  Does sleep evade you?  Do you get that restless feeling?
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