Five for Five: Age

I am cheating a bit today.  I am reposting something from November 2010 - something about age, something about feeling older.

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I constantly profess how young I feel compared to my chronological age.  For years I was twenty-six.  It didn't matter what the calendar said, I was still twenty-six.  Within the past year or so, I've bumped my age up to twenty-eight.  Not quite sure why, but it feels right. 

Before today, I could not speak to the reasons that made me feel older or younger.  Today, however, today I did one thing which has caused me to feel older.

My Uncle passed away at a very awkward moment - it was literally less than 48 hours before I was to get on a plane with my three kids and head to Disney World for an extended Thanksgiving vacation.  My husband had separate travel arrangements and was meeting us there having been out of town all week on business.  My sister and brother-in-law and their three kids also were flying in for the holiday.  Being a practical person, I had no idea what his death would mean to the immediate plans.

My Uncle's wife, Karen, knew of our planned combined vacation.  She knew that sisters living 3,000 miles apart having the opportunity to spend a holiday together, with our families, cousins playing with cousins, was something that didn't happen often.  Karen, the beautiful, giving woman that she is, recognized the importance.  She knew that with the death of our Uncle, we'd need each other more than ever.   Being cremated and with no particular religious requirements, there was no rush for services.  Karen, as usual, gave of herself and gave my sister and me the precious gift of time.  Time for sisters to be together, to share in our grief.  Time for our families to enjoy what we could of our long-planned vacation.  And so we carried on with our plan.  We went on vacation.  

Now vacation is over and it's time to do what must be done.  Being the so-called "writer" in the family, I offered to Karen, no, I suggested, that I help write my Uncle's obituary.  There was a basic one put in the local paper back East, but I wanted more.  I wanted more of Uncle Mike in it because he was so much more to me.  I have never thought about having to write an obituary.  I don't recall my mother's obituary at all.  But today I wrote an obituary.  Today I feel older.

Five for Five: Pictures

Picture me, picture  me, 

picture me this.

Skies of blue and

grasses green,

California poppies

in full orange bloom.

The warmth of the afternoon sun

Politely interrupted by foggy breeze.

Picture me, picture me,

picture me this.

Blonde and fuzzy,

soft and curly.

Eyes with long lashes,

Open wide and brightly blue.

Delicious chubby cheeks

both pale and pink.

Picture me, picture me,

picture me this.

No need for photos, 

Forever etched in my mind.

The beauty of things

In this so-called life.

The wonder and feel of

true treasures.

Five for Five: Words

Softly spoken in my ear,

The sweetest thing I'll ever hear.

The power to move me, to make me whole.

The sweetest gift I'll ever know.

What are these words you ask?

What is it that they say?

It depends on who.

It depends on the day.

So many opportunities to look at things anew.

You need be present to know what's true.

All you have to do is open up and feel.

And listen to the words that are so real.

Five for Five: Change

Brother, can you spare a dime?

I am weak to drink.

Voices keep shouting in my head.

A cup of coffee, a loaf of bread.

Whatever you can spare.

Can you help me out?

No? God bless you.

We're just trying to get by. 

Thank you brother.  Thank you.

Sister, can you spare a nickel?

Been beaten and beaten down.

And I need to protect my baby.

The street is hard and the nights are cold.

Anything really.  Anything for a room.

I need to buy me and my kid some food.

No? No worries.  God bless you.

We're just trying to get by.  

Thank you sister.  Thank you.

People can you spare some change?

I used to play with the best but been down on my luck.

Lost my gig and got bills to pay.

Life's been hard but I will play you a tune.

What do you fancy? 

A sweet song, a blue melody.

Brother, sister, can you spare some change?

No? God bless you.

Maybe next time. 

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This post is inspired by Momalom's Five for Five.  Todays' topic:  Change.  Come link up!

what do you think?

I've been so inconsistent in posting these days.  Part of it is the inability to make the time.  I have the time. I'm just not writing.  Part of the "not writing" bit is my concern about "how fucking depressing do I come off?"  I mean really.  There's only so long people remain interested in reading downers all the time.


I am not all doom and gloom but it's an urge I constantly fight, given the circumstances.  And, in an effort to break out of the rut, to focus on other things, I've started collecting a list of post ideas as things flit through my mind.  Some of it might be parenting, some of it might be professional, some of it might be....I don't know what.  But who cares!  Onward!


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Twitter provides me with a stream of links to interesting reads.  (I follow, therefore, I must find interesting.) A Tweet that caught my eye the other day read something like, "Pro Golfers Struggle To Balance Work And Time With New Babies" with a link to the story.   I'm not sure what I was expecting to read.  Likely something along the lines of managing a new family while traveling so much.   I love golf and I know the efforts surrounding a "normal" job and work and was curious as to how their lives might be similar to my own (or different too).


Instead I found a little piece that started me thinking.  It seemed to me that the author was poking fun because Bubba Watson has yet to change a diaper on his one month old newly adopted baby. Like it's a bad thing.


So my question to you all is, do you really need to deal with the shit (no pun intended - well, yes it was) of parenthood to make you a good parent?  Gosh I don't think so.  I think about all the shit I deal with as a parent and I know that if I didn't have to deal with half of it, I'd be so much happier and a much better parent.  Why do people feel that you have to slog through the unpleasantries to earn a badge?


I say give Bubba a break - he did win the Masters for cryin' out loud.  I'm sure he can afford to hire someone to change those nasty ones.    And, any parent out there knows that there will be plenty of opportunity to change diapers over the next few years.  No one in their right mind would NOT want to get out of that if they could.

all grow'd up

Okay - maybe not all grow'd up but seriously, look at this picture and you tell me.

Here is my oldest all dolled up ready to go to his junior prom.  Together with his hot girlfriend.  How can this be?  How has time gone by so quickly?

Honestly it doesn't feel like it went by quickly.  It doesn't "feel" either way.  But if I sit back and think of all the things that have happened in my life since he was born, I question if it hasn't been forever.

Things in my life since his birth:

• Moved cross-country twice (moved three times in total but once was before he was born).
• Lived in six different houses.
• Had two other children (one of whom almost died).
• Got my first grey hair.
• Held eight different jobs.
• Had four different careers.
• Competed in pool tournaments on regional, state and national levels.
• Learned how to golf (not well I might add).
• Owned seven different vehicles.
• Managed dealing with 12 consecutive years in the same elementary school (three more to go).
• Survived teaching one son to drive (so far).
• Buried my mother, grandmother and uncle.
• Left my husband, reconciled and then have been left by my husband.

Like I said, maybe feels like forever.  And I'm not old!  Really, I am not.  Unless, of course, you ask my teenager.

perspective, yin yang and moving forward

More and more I am feeling happier.  It's a good thing.  I have my moments, but really I am seeing the sun instead of the gloom.  And it feels good. 

I noticed the cloud between the good and the bad and it made me think of yin yang.  Would I even notice the good in my life without the bad I've been living?  I've written time and again about perspective.  I revisit this theme again and again and again.    It is true to my core.

Yin yang feel related.  Different from perspective, but similar too.   The philosophy of yin yang is, in  brief, that there are opposing forces of energy and one cannot exist without the other - how light cannot exist without dark.  It explains the irony of my divorce papers being filed and served on me during my first week at my awesome new job.

I feel like I am rounding a bend.  At the same time, I'm afraid to feel hopeful but that doesn't mean I don't feel some hope.  Does that even make sense?  I am moving forward.  Now that the papers are filed and served, the clock is counting and there will be only six months until it's officially blessed by the state.

True to my word, this will be my year of growth.   Maybe since I've been enveloped in the yin, it's now time for the yang.

I know there is not a lot of new content in this post.   I just want to put something out here so my friends virtual and real know that I'm doing okay.  And week one at Twitter totally rocked!